ER Wars
by solojones
Summary: Ewan McGregor played a robber on ER. Jake Lloyd played the son of a hooker. Combine their Star Wars personalities with their ER personalities, and you get this interesting little scene.


*Disclaimer: ER belong to Michael Crichton, Star Wars belongs to George Lucas. Ok, glad I got that over with. On with the show.  
  
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We open in Chicago, Cook County General Hospital, the Emergency Room entrance. An ambulance wheels in and the paramedics jump out, opening the doors and unloading the patient. The patient is a man of 25, with shaggy brown hair. He speaks in a Scottish accent.  
  
PATIENT: I don't want to die in a hospital!  
  
PARAMEDIC: Relax, will you, you're not going to die! You were only shot in the leg.  
  
PATIENT: The leg? How can that be? That cop had a clear shot at my chest!  
  
PARAMEDIC: He used to be a stormtrooper.  
  
PATIENT: Oh. Well that makes sense.  
  
Dr. Greene and Nurse Carol Hathaway approach the patient and begin to wheel him inside.  
  
CAROL: This is the one, Mark. The guy who held up the drugstore.  
  
GREENE: What do we got?  
  
Before the paramedic can speak, the patient cuts her off with a scream.  
  
PATIENT: I've been shot in the bloody leg, mate! What does it look like?!  
  
GREENE: Ok, sir, I'd like you to calm down. What's your name?  
  
PATIENT: Obi-bleeding-Wan Kenobi!  
  
CAROL: You told me your name was Duncan!  
  
OBI-WAN: Like I'm going to give you my real name when I'm trying to rob a drugstore!  
  
CAROL: Point.  
  
GREENE: Why tell the truth now?  
  
OBI-WAN: Are you mad? Have you ever seen a hospital bill? I'm chalking this one up to my insurance company, mate.  
  
GREENE: Good idea.  
  
Carol and Mark wheel Obi-Wan into curtain 3 and stop the gurney. They start to get out the proper instruments to tend to Obi-Wan's gunshot wound, but notice that it's been healed.  
  
GREENE: How'd that happen?  
  
OBI-WAN: (trying to think of a good excuse) Um, well, must have just bounced off. Fancy that.  
  
Greene and Carol exchange a suspicious look.  
  
GREENE: Well, you appear to be ok, but you'll have to stay here while we run some tests.  
  
Carol draws some of Obi-Wan's blood.  
  
OBI-WAN: (muttering) Force that hurts! Why couldn't they use one of those little testing jobs like Qui-Gon had?  
  
CAROL: What?  
  
OBI-WAN: I said. You're sure you're not jesting me like my mom did?  
  
Obi-Wan cringes at the stupidity of his comment. Carol gives him a strange look, but just shakes her head.  
  
CAROL: Um. no really, we just need to run these tests I promise. There, now I'll take this down to the lab.  
  
As she and Dr. Greene leave, another nurse comes in with a young boy. She motions him to the open gurney next to Obi-Wan and then leaves. The boy looks curiously at Obi-Wan, who tries to ignore him and becomes transfixed by the shiny metallic gurney railings.  
  
BOY: Hi! I'm Anakin Skywalker! Are you an angel?  
  
OBI-WAN: What the bleeding heck did you just say?  
  
ANAKIN: (smiling widely) I asked if you were an angel.  
  
OBI-WAN: No I'm not a bloody angel. And if I were you, I'd think twice before I said something like that to a perfect stranger. That's a horrible line.  
  
ANAKIN: (unfased) But are you sure you're not an angel, because I thought people in the hospital were supposed to be hurt, and you aren't hurt, so you must have done something to make yourself better.  
  
OBI-WAN: (nervously) What, heal myself? That's ludicrous.  
  
ANAKIN: You did heal yourself! I know it! That's so cool! You're an angel! Yippee!  
  
Obi-Wan leaps from his bed and covers Anakin's mouth with his hand.  
  
OBI-WAN: (whispering) Sith, don't ever say 'yippee' again. You could get the snot beat out of you for something like that! Understand?  
  
Anakin nods slowly. Obi-Wan releases him and stands back.  
  
ANAKIN: So if you're not an angel. what are you?  
  
OBI-WAN: I'm a, uh, a robber.  
  
ANAKIN: A robber? (disappointed) Oh, I thought maybe you were a Jedi.  
  
OBI-WAN: (laughing nervously) Ha! A Jedi! Wouldn't that be something. No I'm just here for a, um, the flu. (coughs)  
  
There's a pause while Obi-Wan tries to think of something to distract Anakin from discovering his true identity.  
  
OBI-WAN: So, what are you here for? You look pretty healthy.  
  
Obi-Wan sits down on his gurney and begins to eat the food of the unconscious patient to his left.  
  
ANAKIN: Oh, well I'm just hear because my mom's here.  
  
OBI-WAN: (between bites) Your mom. Why's she here?  
  
ANAKIN: She has something called an STD.  
  
Obi-Wan's eyebrows arch.  
  
OBI-WAN: Oh, um, well that's interesting.  
  
He tries to go back to eating.  
  
ANAKIN: What's an STD?  
  
Obi-Wan chokes on a piece of turkey.  
  
OBI-WAN: Well. you see.. Um..  
  
ANAKIN: Because my mom has them all the time!  
  
Obi-Wan shakes his head.  
  
OBI-WAN: Uh, well really, I think that's something you should ask your mom about. When you're older, of course.  
  
The door to curtain 3 opens just then, and Shmi Skywalker walks in. When Obi-Wan sees her, his jaw drops.  
  
OBI-WAN: SHE'S your mom?  
  
ANAKIN: Yeah!  
  
SHMI: Oh my! Ani, what's this?  
  
ANAKIN: This is my friend, um.  
  
OBI-WAN: Obi-Wan Kenobi. We've met.  
  
Anakin looks from Obi-Wan to Shmi. Both look stunned to see one another and a little embarrassed.  
  
OBI-WAN: (uncomfortable) Wow, Shmi. What's it been, 10 years? Fancy meeting you here. now.  
  
SHMI: I'll never get used to Anakin's surprises.  
  
OBI-WAN: Yes, well. Why didn't you ever get a job with the Republic? I hear they've got some fabulous programs these days.  
  
SHMI: The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own.  
  
OBI-WAN: Right. right. um, Shmi, can I ask you something? How old is Anakin?  
  
She stares at him blankly for a moment, then spits out-  
  
SHMI: Gambling. Everything around here revolves around betting on those awful races.  
  
Obi-Wan looks at her quizzically.  
  
ANAKIN: Oh, mom never learned to speak Basic. She only knows the lines she was taught by George Lucas.  
  
OBI-WAN: Oh. Right. so, um, Anakin. how old are you?  
  
ANAKIN: Nine.  
  
Obi-Wan gulps slowly, having a bad feeling about this. He pauses a considerable amount of time before asking the next question.  
  
OBI-WAN: Who's Anakin's father?  
  
SHMI: There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth to him. I can't explain what happened.  
  
OBI-WAN: (laughing) Oh, that's a good story! Tell that to everyone, do you?  
  
ANAKIN: It's true! I was created by the Force. That's why I have special powers, like a Jedi!  
  
OBI-WAN: Special powers?  
  
ANAKIN: Yeah! I can predict the future sometimes.  
  
Obi-Wan sits down slowly on the edge of his gurney.  
  
OBI-WAN: I think I'm going to really be sick now.  
  
ANAKIN: What? What's wrong?  
  
SHMI: What does your heart tell you?  
  
Anakin looks confused.  
  
ANAKIN: I don't know what's wrong. I was just telling him that the Force is my dad and-  
  
OBI-WAN: No, I am your father.  
  
SHMI: Now you can make your dreams come true, Ani. You're free!  
  
Obi-Wan tries to ignore Shmi's compulsive line reciting.  
  
ANAKIN: I don't get it. how could you be my dad? I don't even know you!  
  
OBI-WAN: I was only 15, for Force sake! It was a stupid, stupid mistake. (groaning) Qui-Gon is gonna kill me.  
  
SHMI: Oh my goodness, that's wonderful!  
  
OBI-WAN: Would you shut up you stupid *****!  
  
Shmi falls silent. Anakin looks up hopefully at Obi-Wan.  
  
ANAKIN: Well. dad, will you come back to Tatooine with me?  
  
OBI-WAN: Ooooh no. No, no, no. I'm going back to Courscant and forgetting I was ever at this bloody hospital. And you're going to forget you ever met me.  
  
ANAKIN: But why-  
  
Obi-Wan waves a hand in front of Anakin's face.  
  
OBI-WAN: (slowly) You're going to forget you ever met me.  
  
ANAKIN: I'm going to forget you ever met me.  
  
OBI-WAN: No, no, you Anakin are going to forget you ever met me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
  
ANAKIN: I'm going to forget I ever met Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
  
OBI-WAN: (with a smile) Good. Good. That should work. Though maybe I should cut my hair just in case. And adopt a different accent. Just to be on the safe side.. Uh, cheerio, then!  
  
Obi-Wan scurries out the door without looking back.  
  
ANAKIN: What just happened?  
  
SHMI: He was meant to help you.  
  
ANAKIN: Mom, would you give it a rest!  
  
Back in the ER hallway, we see Obi-Wan hurrying to escape from the hospital.  
  
OBI-WAN: (murmuring to himself) Oh, not good. This is definitely not a good thing at all.  
  
A bum on a gurney points and laughs hysterically at him. His chart reads 'Rick'. Obi-Wan stops and glares at him. In a fit of rage, he causes a light above to explode in a shower of sparks. He then turns and storms off.  
  
RICK: This is ****ing awesome! 


End file.
